lovin' energies all around :)

weight loss.

yup. that was my primary aim for this raw food inner dance retreat @ Malihom, Penang, Malaysia. It came out of my mouth during sharing on the last day of the retreat. everyone was amused by my intent for this retreat. it’s supposed to be a spiritual retreat my dear! why did you think of weight loss?

I’d say Yes! there’s something very spiritual about weight loss. like what Pi said, food is part of our practical spirituality. Over the past 3 years, I’ve gained weight steadily. There have been previous instances where I’ve successfully lost weight before, but recently it seems that I’ve lost the ability to be focused, disciplined, conscious. My weight gain is simply a reflection of my inner world. and i needed to centre myself in this. so yup, weight loss to me, is a spiritual aim.

Mornin.

I brought my Dear along as well. He needed to escape. I needed him to be with me on this journey; and at the same time, to see if this would help peel back his own layers to heal. I was thrilled, (and a bit jealous), to hear him rock back and forth, while I had my eyes closed trying to find my own inner dance at the sessions. After that first inner dance session, he would move his arms, rock back and forth, or rotate his torso in subsequent sessions, or even when some of the facilitators like Pi or Jenn were speaking. He has always been quite intuitive and sensitive, and I’m glad he’s able to receive lots of healing from the retreat.

There was one memorable session where he did intuitive healing for me. I sobbed. it was like a great waterfall of tears flowing from me, and the only regret was that i didn’t really cry out loud. there was still hesitation within me to let go; fear of embarrassment; fear of frightening Mornin; even fear of my own crying not ’sounding nice’. those were tears of LOVE. He was just stroking my face and hair while I laid on my back. My mind was saying, “eh.. can move on to other parts of my body pls?” but at the same time, I had the feeling of being consistently supported and cared for by him. It was as if the repetitions would never end. He is forever the constant in my life, and he intends to be, no matter what happens. oh gosh, tears are still streaming down now as i blog. He once said that he Loves me more than I do. And I guess that’s true. strangely I don’t feel guilty of that anymore, just pure Gratitude. And I realised now that I haven’t been loving myself as much, coz somehow I’ve blocked myself from receiving love that much, not just from him, but from other family members and friends as well. It was as if I put a threshold level to the amount of love I’m supposed to get. The rest I would just actively TAKE from others. Yup, there’s a difference between actively taking for myself, and just receiving from others. A precious lesson in self-love, as I’ve always thought I’ve been loving myself pretty much, when all the messages I’ve received, since the start of this 2-year healing journey, is that I need to love myself. Thank  you, Universe, for not losing faith in me.

Food.

I’ve not eaten so much vegetables and fruits in one sitting in my whole life! strangely, I’ve not succumbed to the chocolate chip cookies we’ve sneaked in just in case we needed to sin. Yay! There was so much variety in the dishes. Thank you Daniw and Joanne for preparing it! Chopping up coconuts felt very nurturing and grounding in itself.

As a result of the food, my digestive system seemed to clear up. my belly used to sound like a drum with all its bloatedness. now it seemed gone! from a person who used to snack on processed foods quite frequently, this is a huge success. Though I didn’t mysteriously lost a lot of weight, I did feel alot lighter and more energized. Even my skin is glowing! wow.

I decided to follow the raw food diet as much as possible, but at the same time just following my cravings once in a while too. On the first day after the retreat, I ate an orange. The act of peeling and smelling the fresh citrus smell is already energizing, like what Daniw said. But when i drank my favourite hot chocolate, well, let’s just say that my body didn’t fancy that delicious drink so much. I guess I’d have to let that go.

Practical Spirituality. Finally, I know where to go with eating, with the strange newfound motivation to keep up with it!

Sounds.

There were lots of sounds, some pleasant, some not-so-pleasant ones. I was amazed by Steph’s voice. It didn’t sound like it came from a person. Immediately the vibrations soothed my soul, and the words didn’t have to make sense. Sounds from other participants chimed in during the meditation as well. Lovely. Beautiful. Sad. Funny. Soothing. Amazing. I felt my chest area opening, and letting the love pour in. It was healing just to listen, and I didn’t want to let my voice out. A while later, it became really noisy with the varied sounds, like an super out-of-sync orchestra. I felt safe to just add on to the noise pollution. And voila, my voice rang out. It was a pretty conscious process most of the time, I didn’t feel any channeling. But some of my sounds came out quite well, and there was this sense of accomplishment.

Someone screamed. And she did the exact same sequence of screaming and crying in the next session. There was just so much pain and torture that I was glad for her that she got it out of her system. It even felt therapeutic to hear this release. In my final day sharing, I thanked her for the screams. It takes a lot of trust in herself and in us to be able to let it all out. I knew for myself, I wasn’t able to do that yet. Another time maybe. Bingz, take your time to grow, it’s ok.

Inner Dance. Inner Yoga.

my inner dance came during Inner Yoga. I was too conscious in the first few inner dance sessions, wanting to make beautiful movements worthy of the camera. it didn’t really work out for me.

Daniw’s voice was so confident, almost authoritative in her special gentle but firm way, urging us, ‘commanding’ us to be our own Yoga Teachers, that it seemed like a good idea to be one. At first I was just trying to fake my way through. Just move, Bingz, act like you’re being guided. Act busy! And so I moved, initially quite unsure, and conscious of the camera clicking away, very conscious of facilitators helping, not very sure what I was supposed to do under their guidance, but at the same time, feeling their love and nourishment as they touched me. Then, the magic came as I focused on relieving the ache in my arms and legs, adjusting the angle to stretch, attempting to do some superman pose, somehow failed, then transitioned to other poses again. There were lots of rotation, stretching and elongation. The climax came when… I discovered the square cross-sectioned pillar nearby. wow. i’m just amazed by how I managed to put the pillar to good use, leaning my legs, head, arms on it, stretching to the other face of the pillar, and holding the stretch, rotating my limbs to get the right spots to stretch, using my body weight to gently push myself into perfection. how wonderful that feeling was. I wanted to shout to Joie, hey now you can take pics of me! my ego coming out in full splendour. my body felt aligned, and energized, and happy.

Mornin too felt amazed at his newfound ability to stretch! yay! Am glad he’s benefiting from this, considering that this was the very first yoga session he had, and he had to be his own teacher in this.

Kwan Yin.

I was told previously, that I am connected to Kwan Yin, and now I believe it’s true. When we arrived at this huge Kwan Yin temple on the 4th day of the retreat, my eyes met this huge Kwan Yin statue, and my heart chakra immediately opened. She seemed to be smiling at me gently, saying ” ah, there you are. You’re finally here. and acknowledging. ” Again, the feeling of having a super porous chest, both front and back, came back. It’s like feeling the back and front of your chest at the same time. I stood still, savouring the feeling, and waiting for any deeper insights to come. nope. nothing else. just blissfulness. of great joy which I usually don’t feel. instinctively, i took a copy of the great compassion mantra home.

Others.

there were many, many other takeaways, that i think would just be too long to talk about them one by one. I’m just glad that I took this retreat with Mornin, and the other participants. There were newfound friends, and renewed stronger bonds with old friends. Finally, I got to really see Lee in his own brand of spirituality; the super young Lifeworks Lightworkers in theirs, and Pi and Daniw once more. The synergy was just great, especially at a beautiful place like Malihom. Coming back to my familiar world, I feel more ready for the changes to come, in a surer way, and I thank the Universe for this change.